Trick or Treat?

Did you know that the town you live in has a motel that charges by the hour?

Did you know that $50 can get you whatever you want at one of these rooms?

A very common way for addict women to make money is prostitution and dancing or things like that. I was fortunate enough to be very close with drug dealers that supported my habit for free most of the time. Well.. I say lucky. But it really was horrible for me and the addict I was.

Addiction Recovery Breaking Free

Prostitution was all around me, usually anywhere I was there was someone there who got their money that way. It was just part of life. I went to so many houses with my friends and waited outside of rooms for them to be done. I came extremely close to doing the act myself several times.

Whatever friend I was with would save me each time. I never actually wanted to but the pressure you feel at the time and the need for money and drugs is all that runs through your head when you have someone right in front of you trying to smooth talk you into it.

Once we were paid just to be at a party. I was with two other women, and several men. The other two women were seasoned pros at this but I was just along for the ride. When they turned to me like it was my turn I just went along with it. In my mind, I’d rather go down willing than to be hurt by them. So this man takes me to a room and I lay down on the palette on the floor with him. My heart is racing a million miles an hour and my breathing is so fast. I really can’t believe I’m about to do this; but everyone says the first time is the worst and I’ll be numb to it after that. Just as I’m about to take my shirt off, one of the women literally busts into the room as if we’re on a drama movie. It was perfect timing. She stops me, and lays with me. She talks so gently to the man, she knows all the right things to say to feed his ego and get us out of the room without causing conflict and I just listened to her. taking it all in. taking mental notes for later. She was smart. She knew the game; she knew how to not get hurt.

Through these women I learned how to talk my way out of dangerous situations and I learned how to play men. I learned that the less you give the more they want and the more they give. I got money and drugs purely off of holding out. And when I felt it was getting too close to the edge and they’d snap soon, I dipped out. Because if I didn’t, they’d throw me out or worse. And sometimes I was thrown out.

There were so many married men, so many men with respectable jobs and men that we typically would never suspect of this kind of behavior. But they love the dope and they love the women that love the dope.

I have a sort of respect for women who use sex and stripping as a means of support. They know the game and they use it to their advantage. They’re a different breed of women and have an extremely thick skin and quick smart mind. It would take a lot to get over on them.

Before y’all side eye me, know that I’m not condoning any of this. I’m just saying that I get it. I get the need for money and the hunger for whatever it is that drives you being so intense that you use what you have to get what you need.

Looking back I have no idea how I made it through some of the situations with pimps dropping us off at random houses. I have no idea why I wasn’t ever forced to do anything I didn’t want to. But I’m so thankful I wasn’t.

The night I was arrested for the last night I was supposed to be dancing. It would have been my first night. I was dressed and ready to go but my friend left walking without me and I decided to wait until the next day. I ended up being arrested several hours later.

I can truly say that I was picked up at the exact right time because had I not been, I would have started my career as a dancer and probably gone a lot further then that if the money was right.

Honestly I wasn’t going to include this but by now y’all know all my other deepest darkest secrets so I may as well share.

The day before I was arrested I was trying on my new dance wear. You know, the typical heals and fishnets. My friends had gone somewhere and I was at this house with people I didn’t know. I just stayed in the room all day trying on the clothes and hyping myself up.

There was a man there, he was way older than me but I’m not sure his age. I figured I should get it over with, I’d be on stage that night and I wanted to have my “first” time out of the way. So I stripped for him. I danced and walked around the room for him.

He never touched me and I didn’t touch him. Honestly I never really felt shame about this.

I just remember my adrenaline rushing and I wonder if other get that feeling their first time naked in front of a strange man.

When I think back over situations where I was afraid, I changed so much over time. I adapted. I went from carrying weapons and running in the opposite direction of dangerous situations to embracing them. I became just as smooth and manipulative as all the other women around me and I learned how to protect myself.

It took me years to unlearn that behavior. In fact, once I was sober and started trying to date: the only thing I wanted out of men was money. I didn’t want love or affection. I didn’t want to date. I just wanted them to send me money in exchange for my conversation.

Sounds crazy and unrealistic right? You’d be surprised.

I thank the universe for sending my husband to me at the exact right time. I’m so thankful. Who knows what kind of a person I would have been without him. He taught me how to love and be loved in a healthy normal way.I thank the universe for sending my husband to me at the exact right time. I’m so thankful. Who knows what kind of a person I would have been without him. He taught me how to love and be loved in a healthy normal way. Click To Tweet

He continuously shows me so much affection and patience. I know we all say this but I truly have one of the most amazing men.

Kind of off topic but recently I expressed excitement to a friend over the fact that Disney world has travel agents that take care of all the hard work for you. My friends response was “have you been living under a rock” playfully laughing at the fact that I had no idea about this among other things.

My response was that I had been homeless and bouncing around for so long. Most of the time I didn’t even have a phone. When I did have a phone it was the cheapest metro phone there was and was usually broken. I was totally cut off from the outside world for half of my adulthood.

So things that most people are accustomed to are new to me. Even now that I’ve been sober almost 5 years, I’m just now to a comfortable financial point where I can even inquire about things like Disney world.

It took this whole 5 years to really build myself and my life up.

I think people see how well I am now and forget that this is brand new to me. I’m still figuring out life and trying to exist in a world I don’t really fit into.

One time I was with a group of friends at a room, there were 4 of us and two of them were having sex with us in the same room. Very common, no big deal really in that life.

Once they were finished the guy told the girl he had hepatitis. She looked very alarmed for a moment and he just said something like “oh I’ll have liver problems when I’m older but it’s nothing serious now.”

She shrugged her shoulders and said ok no biggie.

That same guy had sex with so many women I knew back then. I watched as he spread hepatitis around and it made me so cautious over who I chose to mess around with. Because let’s say he had sit with and infected 10 women. Well then each of those women infect 5 men. That’s just 50 right there, and then those 50 men infect 2 people each. There’s 100. All 100 infect one person there’s another hundred and so on. The web of hepatitis spreading further and further.

And I’m sure out of all of those people infected not all were even on drugs. I’m sure there was a large chunk of decent people that just slept with or were already married to the wrong person.

So I’ll wrap this up by giving you a reminder that things are not always what they seem. People infected with any kind of sexually transmitted infection or disease don’t come with a sign over their head.

They come wrapped as an attractive, charismatic good time.

 

Addiction Recovery Breaking Free

 

 

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