Thoughts Along the Way

I don’t think I ever properly thanked or acknowledged all the people (non blood related) who let me crash on their couch or gave me a ride in a moment of desperation. And not only did they do me these favors but they didn’t treat me like I was dirty or like I was strung out. They didn’t even have weird looks on their faces as they spoke to me, they treated me like I was completely normal and sane. They treated me with respect.

Breaking Free

I think it takes a big person to treat someone very visibly strung out like they are a decent human being, to treat them with dignity. Normally people didn’t even want me in their house or they treated me like I was contagious.

I haven’t ever used names up until now, but I think y’all deserve praise and for the world to see what good people you are.

Julia: you would sit in my car for hours with me in the Walmart parking lot when I had nowhere else to go. You washed my clothes for me. You picked up the phone anytime I called no matter how long it had been. Anytime I tried to get sober your door was always open to me. Anytime I got out of jail you were always the first to celebrate and come by and see me.

Laela: I’ll never forget driving all the way to your house, over an hour away. You let me stay there no questions asked and would have let me stay longer but I wasn’t ready. Your house was also always open to me. I never forgot those few days of shelter you gave me and how you looked at me like I wasn’t disgusting, I was just me even if just for a moment. I felt normal.

Kayann: you were always the one to come pick me up and drive me away from whatever bad situation I got myself in. At a moments notice you would drop everything and come get me and I was always so ungrateful towards you and acted like you weren’t doing me huge favors by doing all you did.

I know there’s been more then this so I’m sorry to whoever I left out. These three moments are what have always stood out to me. And even tho these are very minor things to most people they are moments that I’ve always remembered and always been thankful for. That I could feel safe and accepted. Y’all never attacked me or bashed me when I would ghost you. You never treated me badly for leaving after you all tried to help me. You just waited until I came back and tried again.

Part of recovery is apologizing for your actions, but I think part of it should be thanking the ones that held you together along the way. Acknowledging that someone made you feel loved and wanted even on your darkest days.

I struggle with finding it in my own heart to be that kind of understanding good person when someone I care about is struggling with addiction. It’s a huge flaw of mine.

Being on the receiving end of an addicts toxic behaviors is one of the worst things in the world. No one talks about the sleepless nights. No one tells you that you’ll check your phone 24/7 waiting to hear if they’re alive or not. Wondering if they’re hungry. Wondering if the people with them will hurt them… wondering if they’ll hurt the people with them.

I get so angry at these people and I just want to scream how could you? How could you choose this? How could you let yourself fall prey to addiction again? You know the way out and you still won’t even try..

But I know it’s deeper then that. I know that no amount of anger or lectures I give them will fix them. I know that me pushing them away isn’t fair to them but it hurts so bad seeing someone like that.

I think to myself, is this my karma? After all I’ve put my family and friends through.. am I getting exactly what I deserve?

It’s hard to be an addict.
It’s hard to love an addict.
It’s all just so hard.

 

Breaking Free

 

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This Post Has One Comment

  1. I am so close with the blog the most. I have never experienced that addict life but being the cousin almost like sister to one and being there for them every time they needed me was the hardest but most rewarding thing that I have experienced.

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