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Volume Two: Listen to me, because I think I’m pregnant.“Listen to little kids because they have problems too.”
This saying means a lot to me.
Little kids have problems also, they may not be as big as yours but to them, they are huge. When you ignore their problems, you are ignoring them. And sometimes their problems are really big.I don’t remember exactly how old I was, but I know it went on for 3 summers straight. If I remember completely I was 5-8.I was just a little girl. I didn’t know any thing other then what I was told.
My mom and dad never told me what to do when someone touched me, I didn’t even know what sex was, or touching or kissing. Anything. But when it happened I knew it was wrong, and I didn’t like it.My mom had a friend, who had 3 kids. 2 boys and a girl who was my age. They would come over every day of the summer and my sister would baby sit all of us.
The oldest boy we will call him “Dave”
The middle boy we will call “Dane”
And the girl my age we will call “Sue”Dave was 14 or 15 when he started doing things to me. I remember the first day it happened, my sister had braided my hair in two long braids going down my back and we had oatmeal for breakfast. We were going to swim that day and play outside and I had on a light baby blue 2 piece swimsuit, it had pink and green flowers over my chest area, I was extremely happy that day I remember because it was a Friday and my dad and mom was going to take me and my sister out to eat that night to Olive Garden, that was my favorite and to see a movie.Me and Sue swam for hours, I remember Dane playing with us, and we were jumping in and out of the pool. Dave just watched us. We went in for lunch and I was tired and all I wanted to do was take a nap but my sister didn’t want us in the house so outside it was.“Listen to little kids because they have problems too.” This saying means a lot to me. Click To TweetHours pasted and sky was starting to go orange when Dave told me to get in the pool with him, so I did.
(This is exactly hard for me to say because I don’t like to think of it still and I still feel some kind of shame? I know y’all are like “wtf it wasn’t your fault” I know that but I still have bad feelings about it.)I got into the pool and swam around, he grabbed me by my arm and I remember thinking “no” and he put my butt up against his private part. I tried swimming away but I couldn’t.So we just sat there, floating around the pool. He then tried to put his hand into my bathing suit bottoms, I crossed my legs and held them tight together. He pushed them apart and began to touch me, in my no no parts. I didn’t like it.Then he tried to put a finger in, and it hurt so I kicked hard and he let me go. He told me not to tell or I would get in trouble. I believed him. I really did think I was the one who was going to get yelled at and get a whooping. Every time he would do something to me, he would remind me to not tell or I would get in trouble. I believed him like his words were straight from the Bible.It didn’t happen every time he was over, and every time he was over I would try my hardest to stay inside and away from him. I would invite my cousins who lived next door to come over and play. I tried so hard to not be around him alone.One time I even told Barbie what was going on and she didn’t believe me… which didn’t help my situation at all. But when we start getting more into Barbie, y’all will understand why I was ignored.It was hard, sometimes I couldn’t run. Before I even had a chance to go inside or get away from him when I thought something was going to happen, he would grab me and pull me behind the house or behind the shed, to the pond or to the pool.I was just a little girl, and he was way older then me and stronger and no matter how hard I would kick and fight sometimes I just wasn’t strong enough. Sometimes I would just sit there, and let him do what he was gonna do.He never asked me to do anything to him, and the couple times he did ask I just looked the other way or down and he would just get on with whatever he wanted to do. Anytime he would try to kiss me I would turn my head. I didn’t like it.The second summer it happened his little sister Sue and I where on the back porch eating a snack, and I told her about what had been happening, and till this day her answer still hunts me. She looked me dead in the face and in the nicest voice said“Yeah he does that to me too, it just means he loves us.”
I said “oh okay”
But I knew sometime was up.The last time he ever did anything to me was on July 4th. Him, his siblings and mom were staying at our house because my parents had a huge party that night.
I had a pink and yellow room and I was still sleeping in a day bed.I remember the door slowly open, I was facing the wall and I acted like I was asleep. At first I thought it was my mom or dad checking on me but then a cold hand touched my face and I knew instantly it wasn’t, my eyes flew open and there stood Dave.He got into bed with me and I stay turned towards the wall. He was trying to turn me over and was grabbing my shoulder extremely hard. I remember I put my knees to my chest and rolled up in a ball. I wasn’t strong enough.At this point he was ether 17 or 18 and I was still really young. He got on top of me and I didn’t fight him, I just decided to let me do whatever he is gonna do and get it over with before we get in trouble.I still fight with what happened this night till this day. So I’ll just make it short.
He stuck his penis in me, and it hurt.I screamed and tears instantly made my cheeks wet. He didn’t run off right away until I couldn’t take the pain anymore and I screamed again. He then got up and ran off back to where he was sleeping.
Writing this I realize I was raped, but for years I have ignored it.I was in a lot of pain, and I curled up into a ball and I was praying to god to please forgive me and to please not send me to hell. I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning extremely sore.
There was blood on my panties.I was starting 3rd grade that year and I actually start my period shortly after this event.
A couple weeks after that, I was at my grandmother’s house playing with one of my best friends at the time. We will call her “E” I told E what happened and she told me that when a boy does that to you, that you will get pregnant and have a baby in your tummy.I was terrified.That night I was having problems using the bathroom and it was making my stomach upset, I remember my grandmother laid down beside me and I rolled over and said “nana I think I’m pregnant” she laughed and said “why do you say that” I didn’t want to tell her because I didn’t want to get in trouble and I told her because my tummy hurt.I remember my grandmother asking “why do you say that, did someone touch you or do something to you” I had a chance to say something but I was so scared and I just said “no”.
Knowing what I know now, she would of been the one to tell because her grandpa raped and molested her. Years later when I told her this she told me she had a feeling but understood why I didn’t say anything.My grandmother told my mom about me thinking I was pregnant all because “I couldn’t poop” and they thought it was so funny, my mom told my dad and my dad told my aunt and my aunt told everyone at a party and all the adults thought it was so funny and cute.I didn’t tho.My cousin heard it and picked on me saying I was stupid.
They didn’t know, and I didn’t say anything. If someone, anyone would of told me what to do and what that was and that it wasn’t my fault and I wasn’t going to be in trouble, I would of told the second it happened. But I didn’t and I didn’t know.I felt bad, I felt gross, ever since then I have fought with myself about that night. I always just tell people “he tried but couldn’t and I screamed and he ran off”
That’s not true tho. It did happen, it hurt and I still till this day hope he dies in a car crash.
He has a daughter now, he is actually on tv now also, he is a news man.I’ve never told the truth to anyone because I don’t want people thinking I “wanted it” or “I lost my virginity like that.” It’s so hard to explain exactly why I feel the way I feel. I’m okay with what happened, it doesn’t keep me up at night. But I was showing signs to my family that I was being abused, I even told my sister and they ignored me. My parents were cough up in a party stage they didn’t get out in high school and were on the verge of divorce at the time.I did tell my mom when I was 20 after I had a miscarriage and all these feelings came up. (I will write about this trust me) she was so drunk she didn’t listen to me.
No one did. It’s kinda funny how sometimes your feelings you’ve had hidden for years come out at the worst times.I have promised myself I will tell my daughter what to do if something happens and no one not even me or daddy is allowed to touch her and if anyone does she needs to come to us and that it’s not her fault.
I am really surprised how many women this has happened to, and it’s sad to think that these sick guys now have families.I think it’s time we teach little boys to keep their hands to themselves because “boys will be boys” is not a good enough excuse anymore.
What do y’all think?
Was that too much, too much detail?
I’m just trying to be real with y’all and myself.The pen is mighty today because it has allowed me to be honest with myself.
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