As I make my way through the questions my readers ask me this one stands out to me tonight. What was the battle between the devil and angel on my shoulder? What were your inner thoughts during that time?
This post may be a bit scrambled but I’m going to attempt to walk you through normal thoughts that I would have during that time through. Some of this is stuff I had actually written during those times. Here goes.
“I hear you outside my door, I know you’re waiting for the right moment to come in and hurt me. I hear your breathing I FEEL YOU near me. Why don’t you just come in here already and get it over with? Everytime I check there’s no one in the hallway but I know you’re there. I know you’re watching and waiting to make your move and you’re waiting for me to let my guard down but I won’t. I never will. I’ll be ready for your attack and I’ll make you feel me”
“I want everyone to experience this high, I want you to be high with me because it feels good and I want you to be high with me because I can’t stop. I want you to be connected with me forever. I want control over you and with this I’ll have it. You’ll have to stay with me because you’ll need dope and can only get it from me. I can’t be alone, I can’t.”
“Someone gives me a kitten. I had him for 2 days when I was arrested. The cops put him on the ground at this motel and he was crying so loud. As they closed the door this kitten just sat on the ground of this gravel parking lot crying at the top of his lungs and looking all around not knowing where to go or what to do. I stared at him, my heart in so many pieces thinking how could I do this to him. He will probably die out here”
“The shadow people get so close to me but never actually touch me. They’re all around me, I see them everywhere I go. They always walk towards me. Sometimes it seems as tho there are hundreds of them at once coming towards me. I close my eyes and tell myself I’m not afraid. I say it so much that I believe it. I train my mind to not care, eventually they stop visiting me.”
“I miss my son so much I can’t bare the pain. I want to see him but I know I’m toxic for him. He seems so happy now. I could never give him that. Everytime I see him it’s like he’s grown so much I don’t even know him anymore. Maybe if I stay away he’ll forget about me.”
“I sit in the car terrified to go inside this motel room. I’ve seen so many people robbed and hurt over little money and little drugs and I’m convinced my time is coming. My friends come out to the car and try to persuade me to come inside but I don’t trust them. Everyone is in on this and I’m the only one that has my back.”
“I want to go home. I want to be safe in my own bed I won’t ever leave again I swear this time. I’m so cold. It’s raining and it’s freezing and the ground is cold. I would give anything to be home right now. Why did I choose this life? Why did I do this to myself? Why me? Everyone I ever knew played with drugs here and there how did this happen to ME???”
“The urge for a hit on my pipe is overwhelming me. I’ll do anything for it. I’ll rob. I’ll do whatever I have to do. I want to slam my face into the concrete this nagging feeling won’t stop. I try to force myself to sleep but sleep won’t come. I’ve chewed my tongue so much it’s covered in sores. I’m crawling out of my skin and everything hurts”
“I’m on top of the world. Nothing strikes fear into my heart. I’m overly confident and I have no regrets about this life I’m living. I have free drugs and everything else I could ever ask for. I’m finally comfortable in my body with my weight and I’m getting positive attention from men that I’ve never had before. I love to get high. I never want to come down.”“I walk around outside and I don’t know which way to go. I have no one to call, nowhere to go. I’ve burned every bridge I had and I’m alone again. I just walk.” Click To Tweet
“I find a tiny puppy and bring her with me. I steal lunchables and Vienna sausages and puppy food everyday once a day to feed us. I look at this puppy and think how could I drag you through this hell im in? Why would I take this puppy knowing I couldn’t care for her? She looks so sad all the time. I know she must be miserable living in this car with me. I know I am. A random person I meet in passing asks if they can have her. I let her go. I hope she’s loved”
“I see my sons face in all of my dreams. I hear his cry at all hours of the night. I crave him. Can’t we turn the clocks back? Can’t we have a do over? Please tell me this isn’t real. Please tell me I can go back and never lose him”
“The police are banging on my door and windows. I run to my garage and hide in a giant trunk. I’m texting everyone I know that I’m about to be taken away. I stay as quiet as I can and eventually they leave. I’m so afraid. I’m pregnant, I’m not ready to go to prison. I need more time”
“I put the needle in my skin and I embrace the heat that takes over my chest and my throat. Almost as if I could breathe fire from the hit. Everything in life has failed me. But this will never fail me. This will always be here.”
Thank you for reading, I love answering all these questions for y’all and hope it’s giving some clarity. My 5 year sober anniversary is next month so I’m wanting to keep the momentum going and keep my writing alive! If you’re reading this please give my blog a share, comment with any feedback and questions you have. Thank you thank you thank you!