I’ve never told this story to anyone. It’s humiliating and I have a lot of shame because of it. A lot of people think getting being an addict is just partying 24/7 but it’s mostly full of fear and paranoia.
I didn’t trust anyone when I left my abusive ex. He had twisted my head up so bad that I truly believed everyone was out to get me. I kept weapons on me at all times. A taser in one side of my bra, multiple pocket knives and a box cutter. People didn’t even want me coming to their house because they thought I’d snap at any second. I was harmless, I was just afraid of everyone.
The hallucinations were so vivid. I couldn’t tell the real from the fake. I could be looking right at you and your lips could be moving and I could hear you saying things, bad things. Threatening me, making fun of me. But you wouldn’t be talking at all. Every car that passed I thought was coming to get me. I always thought my ex was coming after me.
There were people I hung around that got off on making others “skitz out” as we called it. They would go along with your paranoia and feed it, until you completely lost your mind.
This particular time I’m thinking about, I was at a friends apartment and they kept looking at their closet. I knew for sure someone was in that closet and was going to jump out and attack me at any moment. My number one rule for life at that time was to trust whatever my gut was telling me even if it was crazy. That I would rather look crazy and run, than to ever be set up and jumped or robbed. I had seen a lot of other people be seriously hurt over a few bucks.
I had a sack of dope in my mouth and I took off running out of the apartment. I wasn’t familiar with the area and had nowhere to go so I just kept running. I hid on other people’s front porches. My phone was dead. I was grinding my teeth and put holes in the bag and was unintentionally ingesting a large amount of dope.
Meth is such a weird drug, depending on how you use it you get a different kind of high. Eating it gives off an extreme loopy, hallucination type of a high.
All around me I could hear people coming for me, I could see their shadows. I wasn’t in a neighborhood I was in a war zone. Dodging the shadow people, trying not to make a sound or they’d hear me. Hiding in bushes along the way.
It’s day light now. I sit on someone’s porch, in my mind the house is a little boutique and I’m waiting for it to open so I can shop. A police car pulls up and tells me to get off their porch.
I walk. I walk for so long and I’m barefoot. There’s stickers in my feet.
I get to a grocery store and I go inside. I don’t talk to anyone or ask for permission I just walk straight to their employee bathroom, there’s boxes and merchandise all in the back area and part of me wonders how I got there but I just go into the bathroom. I come out and see my ex, but he isn’t real. I talk to the fake man, as if he is real. Until he fades away.
And then I start again, I start walking all through town. I see a house, it looks exactly like one of my childhood friends houses so I go knock on the door. I know she’ll help me. No one answers.
I don’t know who I am, I don’t know where I am. I just know I need help. I start knocking on random doors hoping someone will help me. No one ever answers.
Cars are passing and every single one of them are my ex. Yelling at me so I yell back. I’m yelling at cars. Barefoot. Filthy.
I finally realize.. I have my phone charger and my money. I go to a gas station to charge my phone and I’ve been wondering around, completely out of my mind for over 12 hours. But it only felt like an hour.
I never had another high exactly like that one. I never told my friends about it. I couldn’t believe I had even had that experience. We’ve all seen movies and tv shows where there’s a crazy dirty homeless lady yelling at people that pass by.. that was me that time.
There was another time that I was laying in bed, all the lights were off and my door was cracked. I could feel a demonic presence in the hallway staring at me. I didn’t know what to do so I stared back. I could feel it. I could hear it breathing. I actually still have a writing from that night, I guess I just started writing to soothe my thoughts. They said things like “I know you’re out there why don’t you just come in already?”
I remember one time I was on the back porch with my dad trying to explain to him how “they” were coming for me. A car turned onto the street I could see and I pointed and said “there they are!!” The look he gave me was one I’ll never forget. He was so confused and so sad. But trying to humor me. He just let me talk.
Getting high wasn’t fun and it didn’t always feel good. It was terrifying to be trapped in this horror movie that I couldn’t pause. Around every corner was danger and I had no idea what was real or not.
It’s scary to think that I had weapons, I could have done anything out of fear. A cop pulled us over once and took all my weapons, I’m very lucky I wasn’t charged because the taser was in the “on” position in my bra. They could have taken that as a threat. They searched me, even told me they were hoping to find drugs on me. I laughed. The drugs were in my hand. They didn’t notice or even ask to see my open hands. I used to brag about that like I accomplished something and now I think how gross and careless I was.
If you ever encounter someone hallucinating please call for help for them. They may hate you for it but you could be saving them or someone else. Someone hallucinating and paranoid can be extremely dangerous to themselves and others.
If you or someone you love needs help please reach out, I will do my best to help you find a rehab facility near you.
I’ve put together a list for families who are hurting because someone they love is an addict. Click here