Being Homeless

I was never scared when I was homeless. Not really anyway. I was more afraid of the normal people, and of police.

I’ve slept everywhere. The freezing rain being the worst. All I had was a sweatshirt, not even a real jacket.

I’d sleep as well as I could but I mostly counted the minutes until daylight.

Addiction, Homeless, Breaking Free

Once I managed to get a blanket but it ended up soaked from rain coming in through this carport I was sleeping under, so it was pointless.

Another time, I got into someone’s shed in their yard and I slept there. I actually slept there multiple times but the only time that bothered me was the time I stayed there alone. I was afraid someone would catch me and it was so full of tools and equipment I couldn’t lay down or even sit comfortably.

Whenever I had a car I would park in people’s driveways and sleep there. Or in the Walmart parking lot.

I dyed my hair at a truck stop bathroom once. I cringe at the thought of washing my hair in that dirty sink. Hair color all over the place. I had a flat tire and I feel like I sat there for so long. My grandma came to help me but neither of us could change the tire. I don’t know how long we were there before someone passing by came and changed it.

There’s a spot across from the courthouse in Waxahachie where there are public bathrooms and some benches. I slept on the benches even during the day. I’d wake up and see very professional looking people walking all around me, none of them even looked at me. I remember thinking that was weird, Waxahachie being such a small town I felt like me sleeping there would draw unnecessary attention but it didn’t. I always felt so safe there. I drive by there sometimes and just park and look at that spot.

I ended up opening my first salon on that same street. Isn’t it funny how life works?

I have someone in my life that is currently homeless and doing the same thing I was doing.

It’s painful to watch because you want to scream WHY?! Why is this better then getting help and getting sober? Why are you consciously choosing to sleep outside in the freezing rain?It’s painful to watch because you want to scream WHY?! Why is this better then getting help and getting sober? Why are you consciously choosing to sleep outside in the freezing rain? Click To Tweet

When I think back on my life it’s like watching a movie of myself. How was I that person? How was I so desperate and so lost?

One of my biggest life goals is to open up a homeless shelter. We have resources in Ellis County but mostly just for women, and it’s extremely strict.

I just want to open a place to let people sleep at night.

I’m extremely triggered by the cold now. I didn’t realize that until recently our heat went out for about a week and I suddenly remembered all too well the feeling of being cold. And not being able to escape the cold.

There are pictures floating around the internet of homeless people frozen to death in Chicago and all I can imagine is what was going through their heads? The pain. The unbearable cold. Did they know they were dying?

I know people think “why didn’t they just move, and seek shelter” but you get so cold that you can’t move after awhile. All you can do is lay there and shiver.

I luckily was never outside for more than a couple days at a time. I’d always find someone to let me crash at their place and I’d stay until I was forced to leave or until my paranoia took over and it turned to flight or fight.

I’ll be honest, I don’t have anything inspirational to say here: I’m really struggling. My daughter’s biological father is homeless and is refusing treatment and it’s consuming my mind. It’s breaking his mother’s heart and his kids are forgetting him.

They’re so young they just don’t understand.

He sat at Burger King for hours the other day because he didn’t have anywhere to go. It was raining and it was so cold.

I try to put myself in his shoes since I HAVE been there I just can’t. I can’t understand it and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I hate addiction so much and what it does to the addict and every single person in the addicts life.

I could never give up this life I have now and go back to that. I could never lose all that I know and this comfortable and safe home and just become a floater like I was before.

addiction, homeless

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This Post Has One Comment

  1. IM sonproud of where you are now!

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