Welcome to the dark side. It’s kind of exciting right? You’re invincible. Truly young, wild and free.
Lately you’ve been wondering if you have a problem but you’re not exactly sure. You know you like to get high or drunk, you like to feel good. You like to party and have fun. You don’t think it’s really out of control but lately things are happening that are making you feel afraid for yourself.
I know you didn’t mean for this to happen, you may have even came from a really good family and had a great childhood. People like you don’t become addicts. Or so you always thought.
Your family and friends have been extra hard on you lately, sometimes down right cruel. They don’t realize they’re pushing you away. In your mind they’re driving you further into addiction.
It’s not fair, all the turns life is making. You’re doing your best but it isn’t good enough and getting drunk or high has always been your only escape. When no one else was there, you had your drugs or your alcohol and it has never let you down. It swoops in like some dramatic white night and rescues you from all the worries you were facing and in that moment nothing else exists. Time pauses, the feelings of self doubt and disappointment stop. You feel so good and life seems a little less dark.
And besides, you only use occasionally. You can stop anytime you want. Right..?
Soon you’ll lose your job because your train wreck of a life is so unreliable and unstable, making it anywhere on time or at all is near impossible. Basic human interactions are difficult because controlling your emotions in stressful situations is too hard.
You lose your place to live and now have nowhere to go. Luckily, you have friends that share your same habits and you can sleep on their couch if you’re lucky. Their floor is less lucky.
Days start to run together and what feels like a week is actually 4 months. You’re pawning off all of your belongings for cash and with no responsibilities you’re not free to party a little extra.
You isolate yourself because you don’t want to hurt your friends and family. They’ll stay up late at night, possibly even driving around looking for you some nights. Begging you to answer the phone and just say you’re ok.
Desperation will eventually kick in for you. You’ll do things you’re ashamed of for drugs and money and a place to lay your head. You’ll steal from people, you’ll use your body in ways you never thought you would.
People will rob you. People will hurt you, physically and sexually. And you won’t report it because you feel so worthless that you don’t matter enough for any kind of justice.
Sleeping outside. In and out of jail. Walking miles and miles because you have no transportation. No cell phone to even call anyone for help.
I see you. I feel you. I am you. You’re going to make it through this and you’re going to come out on the other side better than ever before. You have a beautiful life waiting for you, you just have to be ready to embrace it.
If you’re thinking this could be you, chances are it is. Find some meetings, find a counselor. Go get a gym membership or pick up a hobby. Do what sets your soul on fire in a good way.
I know. I know. We all hate the idea of counseling. So awkward and invasive.
It’s ok to need professional help. That doesn’t make you weak that makes you strong AS FUCK. You’re a survivor and your fighting instincts are screaming at you to do something before it’s too late.Sometimes it’s hard to put our thoughts and feelings into words and counselors help form those words. Once the words are out there it’s like a switch has flipped and we get it. Click To Tweet
You’re going to slip up every now and then on your journey to sobriety. It’s just part of it.
If you’re trying to lose weight and you mess up and spend a whole day eating cheeseburgers would you just say fuck it and eat like that everyday for months or would you start over fresh the next day?
Just try to be sober. And if you fuck up and get high or drunk then start over fresh the next day and keep starting over until you don’t think about it anymore. NEVER STOP STARTING OVER. Have as many “Day 1’s” as it takes. I will celebrate every single Day 1 as if it were your 5 year anniversary.
I just want you to know you’re worthy of love and you’re worthy of happiness and success. Everything about you matters. Your heart, your mind, your body. It’s all yours and it matters. You’re important; you are so special and maybe you forgot that but you are so unique and offer this world so much brightness. If you leave before it’s your time think of how dark it would be without you.
I want you to know that I hurt with you. I feel your sadness and your confusion about life in general and I feel your strong desire for better days. But if you keep spiraling your better days will be so much further away.
The damages I caused with my family are unfixable. It doesn’t matter how well I do in life or how great I ever become, I will always be the one who abandoned her child and got strung out on drugs and emotionally traumatized half my family and disgusted the rest of them. I caused hurt that can’t be taken away.
You still have time. It isn’t too late to go back. It isn’t too late to get help.
I want you to love yourself so intensely. I want you to love life. I want you to walk outside on a sunny and just bask in the beauty around you. I want you to enjoy rainy days at home watching your favorite shows with your family. I want you to HAVE your family period.
I need you to know that only you can save yourself, you have to want to tho. You have to want it so bad that you don’t care how hard it is and know that the emptiness without drugs does go away.
The thing about an empty glass is that there’s more room to fill it up. You are empty, fill yourself with positive experiences and memories and so much good that you’re overflowing and can’t fit any bad into yourself period.
You’re not worthless, you’re just a little lost.